Fifty Shades (Trilogy)

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (18)

D: Sam Taylor-Johnson

Universal/Focus Features (Michael de Luca, Dana Brunetti & E. L. James)

USA 🇺🇸 2015

125 mins

"Romance"

W: Kelly Marcel [based on the insipid trash masquerading as a novel by E.L. James]

DP: Seamus McGarvey

Ed: Anne V. Coates, Lisa Gunning & Debra Neil-Fisher

Mus: Danny Elfman

Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele), Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey), Jennifer Ehle (Carla Wilks), Marcia Gay Harden (Dr. Grace Trevelyan-Gray)

A sado-masochistic relationship develops between two unrealistic characters following the most unprofessional interview in business history, which merely consists of literature virgin Anastasia 'Ana' Steele talking to manchild Christian Grey about nothing of consequence.

I've always considered this material to be romanticisation of an abusive relationship and my opinion has not changed. This is glorified rape, plain and simple. Just because he wears a well-tailored suit, has regular manicures and has excelled at whatever his business is does not change this fact. The sex scenes aren't sexy, they're just a big shot taking advantage of a vulnerable, naïve young woman.

Honestly, replace Jamie Dornan with Harvey Weinstein and this is creepy as fuck, even if he does follow the time-honoured romantic tradition of keeping a drunken chick's puke out of her hair. Classy.

I can't comment on how the portrayal of characters was handled in the books, I've not read them, but in this film Christian Gray is shown as a rich arsehole who thinks he can treat women however badly he wants and still expect to be called 'Sir'. There isn't much romance in that.

The books may have been the product of a successful marketing campaign, but this film is just glossy Hollywood bullshit for people who think they're too classy for pornography.

1/10

FIFTY SHADES DARKER (18)

D: James Foley

Universal/Perfect World/Trigger Street (Michael DeLuca, E.L. James, Dana Brunetti & Marcus Viscidi)

USA 🇺🇸 2017

118 mins

"Romance"

W: Niall Leonard [based on the insipid trash masquerading as a novel by E.L. James]

DP: John Schwartzman

Ed: Richard Francis-Bruce

Mus: Danny Elfman

Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele), Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey), Eric Johnson (Jack Hyde), Eloise Mumford (Kate Kavanagh), Bella Heathcote (Leila Williams), Rita Ora (Mia Grey), Kim Basinger (Elena Lincoln)

A sequel to Fifty Shades Of Grey, because "No means Yes" if you're rich and "handsome". Also, E.L. James churned out three of these fucking books and the first movie made a shitload of money for some reason I honestly cannot fathom.

The story sees the billionaire rapist cram his way back into wet lettuce Anastasia Steele's life because he wants to "renegotiate terms", so he can whip and fuck her at weekends a little bit more. Of course, the best way to do this is to stalk her, buy the company she works for and practically prostitute her for his own titillation. What a gentleman.

Kim Basinger also turns up (caked in clownish makeup) as one of Grey's former lovers and she's less than impressed that she isn't the one being gimped at weekends & treated like a piece of property. Anastasia also has to deal with a rapey boss, but she's not into him because he's not billionaire-rich.

Honestly, these stories are just trash, and although they may provide a little bit of kink for middle aged women with a questionable sex life, as movies they're just insanely dull, poorly acted, insipid bullshit with a terrible message that romance and sexual relationships are just a rich man's plaything.

0/10

FIFTY SHADES FREED (18)

D: James Foley

Universal/Perfect World/Trigger Street (Michael DeLuca, E.L. James, Dana Brunetti & Marcus Viscidi)

USA 🇺🇸 2018

110 mins

"Romance"

W: Niall Leonard [based on the insipid trash masquerading as a novel by E.L. James]

DP: John Schwartzman

Ed: Richard Francis-Bruce & Debra Neil-Fisher

Mus: Danny Elfman

Dakota Johnson (Anastasia Steele), Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey), Eric Johnson (Jack Hyde), Eloise Mumford (Kate Kavanagh), Luke Grimes (Elliot Grey), Rita Ora (Mia Grey)

The insipid trash continues with this third and final movie which still romanticised a toxic, possessive relationship even though the couple (Christian Grey and Ana Steele) marry in the very opening.

Whilst on their honeymoon, the supposed doting husband prohibits his wife from topless bathing because he owns her now. Nevertheless, their break is cut short following a robbery at Grey's company and they return home so he can whip and fuck her some more until they're stalked by Ana's rapey boss from the previous movie.

I really don't understand why these films and books found so much appeal with women. The romance portrayed here is nothing to do with love and the main characters are terribly written. Grey is a possessive arsehole with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and only seems to be given a pass on this because he's rich and "handsome", and Anastasia is a wet flannel for most of the trilogy, though she does finally stand up for herself in this final movie. I guess that's what E.L. James considers a character arc.

Since the books sold millions of units, it was obvious that Hollywood was going to cash in on this, but none of these films (or books) were ever any good, they just benefited from a successful marketing ploy. I found every single film arse-numbingly painful to watch, with repugnant characters, a terrible romance, boring sex scenes and the kidnapping plot in this final movie just seems crammed in as an afterthought.

I will admit that this is probably the best of the three movies, but only in the respect that it's finally all over and I don't have to watch any more of this shit.

1/10

Dakota Johnson & Jamie Dornan in Fifty Shades Freed