Madame Web
MADAME WEB (12)
D: S.J. Clarkson
Sony / Columbia / Marvel / TSG (Lorenzo di Bonaventura)
US đșđžÂ 2024
116 mins
Science Fiction/Fantasy/Adventure
W: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker & S.J. Clarkson [based on characters created by Marvel Comics]
DP: Mauro Fiore
Ed: Leigh Folsom Boyd
Mus: Johan Söderqvist
Dakota Johnson (Cassandra âCassieâ Webb), Sydney Sweeney (Julia Cornwall), Isabela Merced (Anya CorazĂłn), Celeste OâConnor (Mattie Franklin), Tahar Rahim (Ezekiel Sims), Adam Scott (Ben Parker), Emma Roberts (Mary Parker), Mike Epps (OâNeil)
Itâs never a good sign when a big budget releaseâs own stars are making fun of it whilst doing their rounds on the publicity tour, but thatâs not far off what happened here, summing up that nobody really gave a crap about this dud, which barely qualifies a superhero movie & clearly only exists so Sony could retain the rights to Spider-Man.Â
I wouldnât say that this is a terrible movie, per se, but it does have a terrible script with trite dialogue and is so low effort that everyone involved should really be ashamed of themselves.
The narrative barely strings together with the amount of plot holes it has, but it begins with the mother of Cassandra Webb deep in the Amazon jungle whilst heavily pregnant, searching for a mysterious, rare spider with an essence that could be used for medical purposes.  She is double crossed by her guide, Ezekiel Sims, who steals the spider and leaves her for dead, only to be rescued by âspider peopleâ who at least save her baby.
Flashing forward to New York City in 2003, Cassandra is now a paramedic who doesnât seem to like anybody except her colleague, Ben Parker.  Itâs never explained how she got from the Amazon to NYC, as the script asks us to conveniently forget about things like this.
An accident unlocks a gift where Cassie can envision the future, however bad guy Ezekiel Sims has already honed this gift, and puts into place a plan to kill three teenage girls before they become superheroes and kill him.  Who is this mastermind super villain and how did he earn his fortune? The script doesnât care and asks us to conveniently forget about things like this.
The rest of the film surrounds Cassie keeping the girls safe from Ezekiel until they get their superpowers, which they donât, at least not in this movie and itâs never mentioned how they do, as the script ask us to conveniently forget about things like this.
You generally need to suspend disbelief to accept superhero, science fiction or fantasy movies at the best of times, but this one requires the audience to accept far too many convenient coincidences, but when itâs abundantly clear that the actors couldnât care less, why should the audience.
Dakota Johnson is absolutely awful in the lead, with the same vacant look on her face through 90% of the film.  The three girls are caricatures of spoilt teenagers more than they are characters, and while it looks like theyâre having some fun here, they are so annoying that itâs a little too difficult to care about their fate.  However, the worst performance in the film is easily Tahar Rahim as the villain, whose dialogue constantly sounds like it was dubbed in via ADR at the eleventh hour.  The only performers who look like they cared were Adam Scott & Emma Roberts, though theyâre not really in the movie enough to have any consequence. Pepsi should also get an acting credit here as well, as it makes more than a cameo appearance and is sometimes front and centre in the frame.
I found this slightly preferable over 2022âs Morbius (qv), but thatâs really not any sort of victory for Sony.
2/10
